Dear Dad

I'm exactly 2 weeks away from 21-- a day I know you feared (and a day that means that you are old!). And I'm also 23 days away from the last time I saw you. I cannot fathom the fact that it has been 10 years. I had this eerie dream about you last night. I found out that you never actually died and you remarried some woman (who was, unfortunately, very unattractive), and had 2 kids-- a daughter and a son. I showed up unexpectedly to visit you, and was not warmly welcomed. Mom tells me that you are with me now and protecting me for this birthday and that I need to "remove the commentary from the dream" because you never would have thought or felt that way. I thought about the dream all day. It has been a long time since I've had such a realistic dream about you. I realized today that I can't remember the way your voice sounds. I don't remember the way your hair looked when you got out of the shower. For the life of me, I can't remember the details. I feel awful for feeling like you were just a character in a story I've told a thousand and not one of the most integral parts of my life. It's been so long. I want you to be proud of me and disappointed in me. I want you to teach me how to throw a football so I don't look like such a pansy in front of the boys. I wish I could lay my head on your stomach and watch bad t.v. (PS. You would bitch about the crap they put on t.v. nowadays.)

I told mom the other day that I wish you could have known me when I wasn't such a pain in the ass. You dealt with sleepless nights during infancy, the terrible 2's, and that god awful pre-teen stage. Lord knows I was a holy terror--I still can't live down the running from the hairbrush thing. But, I'm actually a pretty cool kid now. I've got your humor, no doubt. I'm probably too sarcastic and tease everyone. I hardly call anyone by their real name, though my nicknaming abilities are hardly as sophisticated as yours were. Mom & Jess both nag at me for caring less than average about my appearance. I'm totally on your side-- free t-shirts are more comfortable than anything else. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of girl...all of that hippie stuff is way overrated. But I never order a salad on a date. You would have had a field day with some of the guys I've dated... and might have even tried to kill a few. But, hey, we all learn from our mistakes. I'm unusually unromantic, mildly OCD, and there's rumor of maybe a little ADD. I work hard, and am learning to play a little bit harder. A comment that I'm sure doesn't please you much. I've got my priorities mostly in line, but make mistakes everyday. I try not to take myself too seriously and find my jokes funnier than anyone else does. I'm working on my anxiety and all that other junk.. but I don't want to bother you with all that.

I think that if you were still here that I would be the only girl in the world that had her mom & dad as her best friends. I miss you immensely every single day and constantly think about the things that you could be teaching me. I want to tell you about the things I learn and share with you the ideas I have for my future (Needless to say, I plan too much). I'm finally realizing that I'm starting my own home and beginning my own life, and I just wish that I had you here to help me.

Please take care of Grandma Flo, "Grandmother" Sarina, and Tracy. Please let them know that we all miss them too. Please stay with me and keep me strong. 10 years later, and there are days when I still need you. I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner. But know that I'm thinking about you always. I love you.

Chapter 4: Happy Twenty-Ten

I can't believe a whole decade has come and gone. However, I have to say I was completely ready for it to end. I'm twenty, I'm healthy, and I'm ready to start fresh. I finally get to start classes for my new major. It sounds completely nerdy, but I feel better when I'm in school. Without constant stimulation I fall into such an unproductive state. Law & Order marathons sound better than going out. Being in school gives me both physical and mental stimulation... something I really need. There are a few things that may/may not happen (that I'm really, really hoping happen) that could make this decade start out right. I'm praying, hoping, and giving all I've got for these things to happen.

I've not made any New Year resolutions this year. I'm terrible about keeping up with them, and I'm always disappointed when I don't. Instead, I hope to use the new decade to make some changes in my life and not call them New Year resolutions, just changes. I want to be healthier. I want to make dinner more often. I want to make more of an effort with my friends. I want to work out. I want to not hold anything back. I want to be successful. I want to never stop learning. I want to start a new hobby. I want to join and be part of a good cause. You've got to start somewhere.

This break hasn't been terribly eventful. I've traveled around Texas a lot, and have put some serious miles on my tires. Austin (x3), Bellville, Houston (x3), Clear Lake, and Dallas all in a week. Road trips are great for some, but serious torture for me. I get extreme anxiety in cars, especially when I'm not the one driving. So all the time on the road proved trying for me mentally. I've used all the House and Law & Order marathons as excuses for recovery! Christmas and New Year's Eve were both low key, not something that I mind. But I had to be back to work early, so the traveling was cut short. Since then I've just been steadily working on spending the hundreds of dollars in gift cards I got for Christmas-- not a bad way to end the holiday season. There's nothing like Christmas into January.

Bad News: both of the front speakers in my car went out at the exact same time for no known reason. If there is anyone out there in cyberspace with any idea why, let me know.

Well, it's a two decade record low here in Texas, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Texans don't understand the concept of heat, and I don't plan on using it. Sixteen degrees is a good reason for investing in a Snuggie and a lot of coffee. I'll come out of hibernation when it's safe again.

For now I'm wrapped up with a cup of coffee and a marathon. Ohh, how pathetic. Happy 2010, everyone.