Dear Dad

I'm exactly 2 weeks away from 21-- a day I know you feared (and a day that means that you are old!). And I'm also 23 days away from the last time I saw you. I cannot fathom the fact that it has been 10 years. I had this eerie dream about you last night. I found out that you never actually died and you remarried some woman (who was, unfortunately, very unattractive), and had 2 kids-- a daughter and a son. I showed up unexpectedly to visit you, and was not warmly welcomed. Mom tells me that you are with me now and protecting me for this birthday and that I need to "remove the commentary from the dream" because you never would have thought or felt that way. I thought about the dream all day. It has been a long time since I've had such a realistic dream about you. I realized today that I can't remember the way your voice sounds. I don't remember the way your hair looked when you got out of the shower. For the life of me, I can't remember the details. I feel awful for feeling like you were just a character in a story I've told a thousand and not one of the most integral parts of my life. It's been so long. I want you to be proud of me and disappointed in me. I want you to teach me how to throw a football so I don't look like such a pansy in front of the boys. I wish I could lay my head on your stomach and watch bad t.v. (PS. You would bitch about the crap they put on t.v. nowadays.)

I told mom the other day that I wish you could have known me when I wasn't such a pain in the ass. You dealt with sleepless nights during infancy, the terrible 2's, and that god awful pre-teen stage. Lord knows I was a holy terror--I still can't live down the running from the hairbrush thing. But, I'm actually a pretty cool kid now. I've got your humor, no doubt. I'm probably too sarcastic and tease everyone. I hardly call anyone by their real name, though my nicknaming abilities are hardly as sophisticated as yours were. Mom & Jess both nag at me for caring less than average about my appearance. I'm totally on your side-- free t-shirts are more comfortable than anything else. I'm a meat and potatoes kind of girl...all of that hippie stuff is way overrated. But I never order a salad on a date. You would have had a field day with some of the guys I've dated... and might have even tried to kill a few. But, hey, we all learn from our mistakes. I'm unusually unromantic, mildly OCD, and there's rumor of maybe a little ADD. I work hard, and am learning to play a little bit harder. A comment that I'm sure doesn't please you much. I've got my priorities mostly in line, but make mistakes everyday. I try not to take myself too seriously and find my jokes funnier than anyone else does. I'm working on my anxiety and all that other junk.. but I don't want to bother you with all that.

I think that if you were still here that I would be the only girl in the world that had her mom & dad as her best friends. I miss you immensely every single day and constantly think about the things that you could be teaching me. I want to tell you about the things I learn and share with you the ideas I have for my future (Needless to say, I plan too much). I'm finally realizing that I'm starting my own home and beginning my own life, and I just wish that I had you here to help me.

Please take care of Grandma Flo, "Grandmother" Sarina, and Tracy. Please let them know that we all miss them too. Please stay with me and keep me strong. 10 years later, and there are days when I still need you. I'm sorry I haven't written you sooner. But know that I'm thinking about you always. I love you.