Chapter 3: Still Nothing New

So I have a new job, a new apartment, and a new major, yet everything still seems the same. It's almost pathetic how little I've done lately. My greatest accomplishment is probably the amount of movies that I've watched in the past few weeks. It really is astonishing. I changed my major (yet again) this semester, and it's set me back a bit. It also allowed me to drop the most miserable of my classes this semester, which I thought would be more enjoyable than it actually has been. Turns out I always have to have SOMETHING to do, otherwise I do nothing-- hence the movie watching. I'm ready for next semester to start. What I want from 2010... a new beginning. Hopefully this time it sticks.

I've been watching/listening to an uncanny amount of Glee these past few weeks as well. Sometimes I wish I had a pushy stage mom that forced me into the limelight. Although my subpar vocals probably wouldn't have taken me far in the world of competitive world of show choir. The dream is still alive though. Really, I just wish I would have stuck to some extracurricular I did growing up. Turns out I am an amateur at a LOT of things. How late is too late to start something new? I just recently started watching The Middle (and Modern Family, too. Both great shows). The daughter (Sue) is awful at pretty much everything that she tries to do... but still continues to try. Despite the fact that she is in braces, I almost envy her. My cynicism gets the best of me. I'm not good at not being good at things, and it only gets worse with age. Another fault of mine that has been showing its dark side lately is my lack of patience. I'm losing real patience, and gaining the ability to fake patience. That's really all that matters, right?

It seems that I'm willing to do almost anything to procrastinate studying for finals. I actually took to making a real breakfast this morning (crepes--which actually weren't bad. My cooking method is to be proud when it looks like what it's supposed to), cleaning the apartment, and now writing a blog. Turns out the class that I did stay in for my old major (genetics) is going to be the death of me. I'm almost positive my professor has it out for college students. There is no way a person is this vindictive.

I've procrastinated enough...

I Knew I Wouldn't Be Good...

I knew I would never keep up with this. I just don't really have a whole lot to say. Tomorrow is my last day of summer school and I couldn't be more ecstatic. This hasn't felt like summer at all. Working at my last job was unbearably time consuming. I had to drop my first summer class to keep up with all of the shifts I had to work to cover everyone else that didn't feel like working the crap shifts. Seriously can't believe they didn't see me leaving sooner... So even though I've been working and going to school this past summer semester it's felt more like summer than it did before. Ridding myself of such a negative environment has seriously turned my perception of things around. Thank goodness.

I officially move into my apartment in 10 days! I'm trying not to think too much about it because the anticipation would literally kill me. I've been homeless all summer, so it'll be nice to finally have my very own home. I've been obsessively buying things for the new place, which is not boding well to the already overpacked bedroom I'm staying in.

I also finally got to buy the book The Time Travelers Wife. I've been hunting for this damn book for almost a month and it has been sold out everywhere. I looked around San Marcos, Austin, Houston... nothing. I got Target's last copy and I'm going to start tomorrow at work.

For some reason the last few weeks I have shed my normally frugal spending and let myself buy all of the things that I've wanted. I'm not sure this has been a good time to make this revelation as I have 2 months of rent due within 8 days of one another and I took a pretty big pay cut switching jobs. But sometimes I just want to let all of the worrying and saving and obsessing go and just know that it'll all work out. In the long run the money isn't what matters, and maybe the obsessing is going to be the death of me. I've found myself blasting the Texas country music in my car, soaking up the Texas sun, and living like a normal college student, not a 20-year-old who grew up too fast and worries too much. Lately, I've just wanted to be. And I'm enjoying it.

This new revelation probably won't last long. But for right now, I'm just happy.

Until next time, I'll be happily waiting in anticipation.

[Happy] Birthday

Well, today is my 20th birthday. You could probably replace "Happy" with a lot of other words that would be more fitting for what today actually was than "happy."

I gave my job 4 weeks notice at the beginning of this month and today they told me that I wouldn't have to continue coming in, because they had my replacement trained. This is what I wanted...what I asked for. I'm in summer school and working another job. What I did NOT want is to be treated like they treated me. First off, pretending like having me stop coming in was THEIR idea. It's pathetic how management, especially of small companies, feel entitlement in putting their employees down. I'm sorry I want to do more with my life than be a hourly-wage manager at some greedy profit-driven company that treats everyone like they are dispensable. I want more than that from my life, and apparently that's enough to be ostracized from the group.

I spent the rest of the afternoon replaying the situation in my head with all of my "you should've said this, and you should've said that." Most of the things are best left unsaid. I followed this with tears. Energy-draining tears. Since then, nothing has seemed to go right. I can't focus on anything but everything I wish I would've said. Which doesn't bode well for a chemistry quiz. I guess I have to call that one a loss. I don't do well with failing things, and today has seemed to be one failure after another. Maybe it's all part of some cosmic plan for me to be a better person. If not, it is some sort of sick joke.

Today had it's ups. It's in these moments of complete breakdown that you figure out who is going to be there for you. Thank goodness for Andrew. He feeds me in almost every situation, good or bad and encourages me to nap when I'm sad. All of my favorite things.

I never thought myself to be much of a blogger, and chances are I won't be very good at it. I've always had diaries and never kept up with them. But with age, I've needed an outlet more and more... so maybe I'll be better at it.

Ryan Bingham, bed, chemistry, work, lab, homework... hopefully, there is more to come.